The road travelled

原来不管过了多少年，对你我还是会心动，心疼。

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The past few weeks have been weird. But perhaps these weird events occur as we move closer to the big day when the years of my youth draw further away.

When I was younger, I had a vision of what I’d become when I hit my current age. Now that I’m here, nothing is as I thought. It’s like everyone is blindfolded and walking from room to room, but as time passes on, you realise that you’re probably lagging behind cos the voices around you seem fewer… There’s nothing to do but hope you know where you are and try to figure out as best as you can. Then maybe one day the blindfold would come off, and you’d see that you were never enclosed in a room and it’s all just boundless space.

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Quote of the day for me:

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost

“You know what’s the problem with you?”

“What?”

“You are like the snowman.  You glimmered once in a while and stand strong in the bitter freeze. You would not budge. You spoke  few words. You spoke occasionally. You spoke like a song with meaning I would not decipher. Terrified to decipher.”

“And what make u decide to be with me in the first place?”

“I was very uncertain about you, mr snowman. The biting cold out in the wind and the unforseen lapping surprises. I believed. I trusted, even though the snowman said never to trust. I thought the snowman could be melted. Unfortunately,  it could not be done.”

“In that case, where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know. I am afraid, but I want to continue to trust. I will learn love, I will learn pain. I will learn everything from the beginning till the end. Each step should I fall, to stand.”

“But why are you doing all these? Is it worth it?”

“Yes it is. All because…you are the snowman.”

Since my previous post, I had been:

1)Watching DVDs on fast forward with subtitles on, so I could still catch the plot without getting bored and not miss any action;

2)Walking everywhere.. to the market, to the library, listening to my iPod and talking to myself;

3)Trying to read real books rather than just watching youtube videos

4)Giving a friend a wake-up call every morning for the past week, and having to sing a different song each time as part of the wake-up ritual.

5)studying and doing assignments as part of my work-study program on topics I suspect i wouldn’t even touch at my work-place next time.

6)Hearing the song “Back for Good” by Take That and remembering that it once hold special memories for me when I was in Secondary 1.

7) Telling people diplomatic lines that “Actually I have a different understand understanding on that” when “F Off” will suffice. 
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Greetings from a man who almost forgot he has a blog until reminded. (Thanks for the reminder, Joel)

As usual, been busy with the new career path I’m undertaking and getting to know the people who would be my colleagues for the next 2 years. Basically, it’s about working style and personality. From day one, I know full well that I had my way of getting into the groove of things. I value substance over everything else. Therefore, instead of small talk, I simply smile and keep quiet, letting others dominate a conversation. Not that I’m arrogant or anything, but sometimes, taking a backseat and hearing what others have to say is refreshing.

Modus operandi of a typical introvert? I’m not sure. But I know that this behaviour will allow many people to think of me in several ways which cannot be positive. But hey, I am not here to win Mr.Popular. I am here to learn something which could potentially turn out to be not  just another job, but a career. 

I am not sure when it started to happen, but I discover I could never love people openly, although I feel for those who should be given some love and compassion. Whenever I hear or read of such people, my mind will go into a bit of an overdrive, thinking about how I should be their voice and tell their stories. So that somewhere, somehow, someone would give the gift the love they are so deprived of.

But because of the need to erect those high walls(real or imaginery), I became wary of allowing my heart to grow too soft. I would be reminded time and again of faces – belonging to people whom I’ve reached out to only to get a rejection, no response, or worse, nonchalance. These thoughts pull my hand back the next time round when I want to offer something – whatever I can – in love. I don’t like being spurned.

Then again, I’m not some saint. I’m capable of evil. I’m capable of inflicting pain and hurt. I’m more than able to get someone to shed tears. I have hurt my friends before with thoughless deeds, words or actions or even a combination of all three. I have make people feel worthless with just a glance on my face.

Tonight, a sms made me think of the people I’ve tried connecting with again. As the face of each person – who simply doesn’t bother anymore – comes to my mind, I wonder why they’ve not chosen to walk together with me on this journey a little longer. Is it fate? Is it something I’ve done? Is there something they no longer value?

I have things to say to them, unfinished words, phrases and sentences. Just that they either didn’t have the chance to say “goodbye” or took the chance to slip away.

Maybe I want to do that to make myself happy, make myself feel more at ease for the things I did(or didn’t). Perhaps I don’t matter to these people anymore. Perhaps, in the minds of some, I don’t even exist anymore.

Whatever it is, I wish you all well.

I’m suffering from writer’s block, which can only mean one thing.

My life is plain sailing.

Well, that sounds almost too positive. The truth is, there is nothing seriously disturbing me at this moment (which is good), and there is nothing making me jump around for joy (which isn’t a bad thing either). I’m almost beginning to think that happiness is overrated. I’m perfectly happy living a quiet life where nothing causes me major irritation, pain or sadness.

Is that good? I am not too sure. But at least I know that ain’t that bad either.

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We had a laugh last night at all our lousy techniques and attempts to lure a girl/guy unto a date.

I sheepishly admitted that I once pretended to ask a girl out for a movie on the excuse that my friend could not make it at the last minute, and I didn’t want to waste the ticket.

A friend admitted that she once got this guy to meet her on the pretext that she didn’t have enough money to get home, and was hoping that the guy could be  a good soul and meet her and lend her some money.

We then went on to talk about dating in general. I have never had a relationship with anyone I had a crush on. My previous girlfriends were friends who suddenly fell into the boyfriend category. I told them I don’t remember ever doing the “love at first sight” thing. Mainly, it comes about after being good friends for a while, followed by the sudden realization that it could be some thing more.

And suddenly, i started to think just what “love at first sight” would be like.

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While its only 1 more day before I turn 25, somehow I felt I had turned 25 long ago.

Below is a list of things I learnt in life…

1)Complaining is of no use, especially if you don’t go do something about it.

2)Believing that life would only get better in the future is a little silly, we have to live NOW.

3)Believe in Karma. Things you do will come back to haunt you, sooner or later.

4)People get used to things, and then they take it for granted.

5)Money does not always make me happy but it makes life easier.

6)Worrying solves nothing.

7)Everyone believes they are right, and the rest of the world is wrong.

8 ) People wish others well. Just not as well as themselves.

9)Just because you treat others well doesn’t always mean they treat you the same.

10)Before going on to love others, one must learn to love themselves first.

11)Sometimes, doing things alone adds to a new perspective on life.

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Its been way too long since i let my heart go enough to play the clown.

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While getting out of the mrt train at my station the other day, I found a couple feuding at the top of the station’s escalator. The other commuters had to step around them in order to go down the escalator and the couple was so caught up they didn’t bother to move away at all. The girl was trembling visibly with anger and she said loudly in Mandarin to the guy that he made her sick. Everyone pretended not to hear and scuttled away as fast as possible. The couple must have been really overwrought to have a showdown right there and then, so overcome with emotions that they forgot where they were.

And as usual, dark clouds gather overhead, as if in anticipation of a thunderstorm.

There is no competition assessing intelligence or character worth. There is no cross to bear. There is no victim. There is no righteous martyr. At most, this is fitting for a schoolyard squabble.

I’ve always believed that the awful thing about life is that everyone has their reasons.

Actually, that’s not it.

The awful thing about life is when you believe your reason(s) supercede someone else’s and act accordingly.

My last take on this issue. No response needed.

Let’s just move on in the bigger things in life.

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Met some friends whom I hadn’t seen in years over dinner the other night at Holland V.

I spotted the group, plopped myself unceremoniously down in a seat and went “hi!”, before I realised that except for a closer friend, no one else really recognised me.

After much gaping, someone said she would have walked past me along the streets without any sign of recognition. Everyone else could wear their school uniform and look more or less the same. Well, except for me.

They didn’t understand how I could’ve morphed from a “wild-child” who used to care more about having fun and making people laugh turn into someone who is “docile”, in the words of one.

 But once we settled down, people started recalling my past weird antics in school and felt relieved.

Somehow I feel that the present me is a little disappointing to them.

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How do you tell someone you missed that person so much without having to worry that it may lead to misunderstandings?

 It has been close to a month since I wrote my last post, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know why I am starting to blog again.

Writing felt somewhat pointless especially when I seemed to be rediscovering the joy of sharing my thoughts and feelings over a nice cup of Starbucks coffee with friends and loved ones.

So why am I blogging again? Maybe its because I realised a close friend is blogging again, or maybe its because I have a friend whose passion for writing inspire me to once again log on to Friendster and write a post or two.

Regardless of the reasons, I am back again.
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I wonder if its due to my anal nature, but I don’t dispose of any CD, crap or not. They’re all part of my listening experience. If i don’t listen to crap, I’ll take good music for granted.

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While playing badminton last night, I heard a mobile phone ringing in our pile of bags. I thought it was my call but the ring tone wasn’t mine. Amazingly it was the tune for Mary had a Little Lamb. Who would have that? My friend sheepishly went to answer her phone while the rest of us laughed.